Tuesday, April 28, 2009

It has to be the medication

I'm pretty sure I need to switch medications. Since starting the injections, my mood has gone from occasional sadness to constant depression. Though I have felt this kind of depression before, it has been a long time since I was not able to pick myself back up. In the past, I would go for a long walk, treat myself to a movie, go to one of my favorite eateries, or even go shopping. Even during college when I was up to my ears in research, working to pay off student loans, and over-extended by all the clubs, I go the grocery store and stroll for an hour. It was such a pick me up.

I would do all these things now, except I'm too sick. On most days, I'm so tired that I have to sit while I brush my teeth. Going out on my own can be terrifying. On a good day, by the time I get to the corner, it feels like my brain is rattling and pretty soon the numbness and tingling starts. Before long, the pain gets to be overwhelming and I'm praying that I can get home safely. Plus, I'm still having sudden and temporary blindness, and occasional dizziness.

I was sick before starting the injections, but not as sick as I am now. And I'm starting to think that this isn't the general course of my MS. I'm at the point where if I leave the house one day, I'm practically bedridden for the next two days. How am I ever supposed to get back to work like this? (Yes, I eventually want to get back to work because we could use the money. Plus, I feel guilty about every penny I spend and I know that isn't healthy.) And even if I don't get back to work, I have to get to a point where I can at least leave the house. Or if I rest all morning and need to go downstairs to sign for a package, that I don't get so dizzy and that I lose my footing and fall on my butt (today, UPS).

At this point, I'm not ready to make a decision to stop or change, but I am starting to do all the research. There has to be better treatment options out there. Now I just have to find one that won't make me sick.

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