I am nearing the end of my rope with this. I have never had this much pain, numbness, fatigue, dizziness, and light-headedness before and it's wearing me out. I have to crawl (and drag my left leg) if I need something (like the bathroom) but I don't have enough stamina to make it there without stopping to rest halfway. This also means that I have not been able to feed myself because even if I make it to the kitchen, I haven't figured out how to reach things. My wife left me her desk chair to use today to help me get around, unfortunately without the help of my feet, I can't move the chair across the carpet. I actually laughed out loud when I sat down and realized I wasn't going anywhere. I guess laughing is better than crying, I've done enough of that thanks to the pain. I'm starting to wonder if I should give this more time or if I should contact my doctor. I don't know if there's anything they can do over the phone and I obviously can't get myself there. I don't know what to do. Guess I'll go back to sleep.
ETA: I just had another surge of stabbing pains in my thighs, so I called my neuro. I left a message for the doctor and not just for the NP. We'll see what comes of this.
Showing posts with label fatigue. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fatigue. Show all posts
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Not good and getting worse
If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, then you know I'm going through a rough patch. Unlike the rough patch that I was having earlier this month, this time I'm having a lot of physical challenges along with my cognitive troubles. Since Sunday, it's gone from intense fatigue to not being able to walk, even with the assistance of my crutches. It's incredibly frustrating and demoralizing. I keep telling myself to be strong, it will pass, but I'm on day 3 in bed and am losing all patience with my MS.
Despite all the symptoms, I don't think this is an exacerbation. I could be wrong, but having had a major episode just 3 months ago, I can't see another one coming so soon after. Plus, this one is so different from the last. Last time it hit me quickly, but this time it's slowly building up and getting worse. But you know what, exacerbation or not, I feel like crap.
As of this morning, my entire left leg is heavy and numb and so is my right foot. My legs are covered in prickly, burning hot pain that runs all up and down them and gets worse in any spot that's touched. I also have a pressure (like my head is being squeezed) and stabbing headache on the right side that's causing my eye to throb and water. I'm incredibly fatigued and sleeping all day and all night with little difficulty. When awake, I'm pretty alert, but I have moments where I completely zone/space out and can't think at all. This is one of the more puzzling symptoms, because when it happens I feel like I completely disconnect from my body and am just sitting next to myself. It's really strange.
So, I'm just trying to cope and let my body heal. I see the neuro next Wednesday and am gonna try to tough it out until then. For now, I am thankful for the internet and that we have a tv in the bedroom.
Despite all the symptoms, I don't think this is an exacerbation. I could be wrong, but having had a major episode just 3 months ago, I can't see another one coming so soon after. Plus, this one is so different from the last. Last time it hit me quickly, but this time it's slowly building up and getting worse. But you know what, exacerbation or not, I feel like crap.
As of this morning, my entire left leg is heavy and numb and so is my right foot. My legs are covered in prickly, burning hot pain that runs all up and down them and gets worse in any spot that's touched. I also have a pressure (like my head is being squeezed) and stabbing headache on the right side that's causing my eye to throb and water. I'm incredibly fatigued and sleeping all day and all night with little difficulty. When awake, I'm pretty alert, but I have moments where I completely zone/space out and can't think at all. This is one of the more puzzling symptoms, because when it happens I feel like I completely disconnect from my body and am just sitting next to myself. It's really strange.
So, I'm just trying to cope and let my body heal. I see the neuro next Wednesday and am gonna try to tough it out until then. For now, I am thankful for the internet and that we have a tv in the bedroom.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Life is good.
I had a rough day. Woke up in striking amounts of pain and then after the workout, took a nap and slept until 11:34. I really hate when I sleep past 9 am. It's not that I have anything to be awake for, but I still don't like sleeping all day. The worst part is that I had to force myself to wake up at 11:34 and couldn't get out of bed until after 12. Argh!! I only managed to stay awake (mouth open staring off into space) long enough to eat and take my first dose of medicine. Then back to bed.
Normally, a day like today would have me depressed and worried that I'm having a huge set back. But other than being annoyed, I'm OK with it. I was obviously tired and overworked from all the cleaning yesterday, so I needed to sleep. Tomorrow will be better. Actually, this evening has already been better. I'm in an oddly good mood and loving it.
You know, usually when I'm in the moment and I feel the pain or I start feeling fatigued, I suddenly get really down and depressed about it. I forget that the symptoms, at least for me, fluctuate in severity. I may feel like crap today, but if I rest and take care of myself, tomorrow or the next day will be better. Now I just have to remember that during the bad times. Or keep working at not overworking myself and causing these bad days.
Normally, a day like today would have me depressed and worried that I'm having a huge set back. But other than being annoyed, I'm OK with it. I was obviously tired and overworked from all the cleaning yesterday, so I needed to sleep. Tomorrow will be better. Actually, this evening has already been better. I'm in an oddly good mood and loving it.
You know, usually when I'm in the moment and I feel the pain or I start feeling fatigued, I suddenly get really down and depressed about it. I forget that the symptoms, at least for me, fluctuate in severity. I may feel like crap today, but if I rest and take care of myself, tomorrow or the next day will be better. Now I just have to remember that during the bad times. Or keep working at not overworking myself and causing these bad days.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Today's problems: Fatigue and Spasticity
Today I slept until 10:22 am. OK, that's not entirely true. I actually ignored the 4:30 alarm and crawled out of bed at 4:54, just in time to get dressed and head to the fitness center with Nilaja. I don't think I mentioned that we are getting back into our morning workout routine. It's going pretty well and I'm even back on the treadmill. Defiantly of course, but to my credit, I am not pushing myself like I was before, I don't go on days when I haven't slept, and if I start feeling numb, overheated, dizzy, or light-headed I stop. (See, even I can overcome stubbornness.) After the half hour workout, Nilaja gets ready for work and I head back to bed with my ice water. I usually go back to sleep, but am up having breakfast by 9 am.
Today was different. When our alarms went off (we use separate alarms and mine goes off just seconds before Nilaja's), I didn't even open my eyes because I was exhausted. I don't even remember hearing Nilaja get out of bed. And then for some strange reason I woke up at 4:54, realized Nilaja hadn't left yet, and decided to ignore the fatigue. Sometimes I do the dumbest things. Doing the treadmill was harder today than it was the first time I tried after the hospital. My legs felt like they were made of lead, my head was foggy, and after only three minutes, the heat started. I thought about stopping, but I wasn't going very fast, the incline wasn't too bad, and my feet weren't numb. Stopping didn't feel justified. I made it through and headed to bed just as tired as I usually am.
And then I slept, and slept, and slept. On one of my rollovers I caught a glimpse of the clock and was shocked to see that it was after ten. I can't remember the last time I slept that late without having a fever. To make matters worse, it was 10:22 am and I wasn't awake enough to get up. I laid there for another 40 minutes before I was able to stand up. And the prize for standing, spasticity. My legs felt stiff and the muscles were so tight that I thought I would rip them if I stretch my legs. I had mild spasms in my calf muscles, but thankfully they went away after I moved around a bit.
I hate days like this. I'm too tired to move, but have to, and when I do it hurts. I managed to get some food around noon and I've only gotten up from the dining table once since then, to prep the vegetables for dinner. Days like today are great reminders that I need to do what I can when I can. I never know when my pain levels or fatigue will be higher, so I can't put things off. I also can't get too upset when my plans have to change. There will be time for chores and baking on another day. Today I'm going to sit at the dining room table, listening to music, and resting.
Today was different. When our alarms went off (we use separate alarms and mine goes off just seconds before Nilaja's), I didn't even open my eyes because I was exhausted. I don't even remember hearing Nilaja get out of bed. And then for some strange reason I woke up at 4:54, realized Nilaja hadn't left yet, and decided to ignore the fatigue. Sometimes I do the dumbest things. Doing the treadmill was harder today than it was the first time I tried after the hospital. My legs felt like they were made of lead, my head was foggy, and after only three minutes, the heat started. I thought about stopping, but I wasn't going very fast, the incline wasn't too bad, and my feet weren't numb. Stopping didn't feel justified. I made it through and headed to bed just as tired as I usually am.
And then I slept, and slept, and slept. On one of my rollovers I caught a glimpse of the clock and was shocked to see that it was after ten. I can't remember the last time I slept that late without having a fever. To make matters worse, it was 10:22 am and I wasn't awake enough to get up. I laid there for another 40 minutes before I was able to stand up. And the prize for standing, spasticity. My legs felt stiff and the muscles were so tight that I thought I would rip them if I stretch my legs. I had mild spasms in my calf muscles, but thankfully they went away after I moved around a bit.
I hate days like this. I'm too tired to move, but have to, and when I do it hurts. I managed to get some food around noon and I've only gotten up from the dining table once since then, to prep the vegetables for dinner. Days like today are great reminders that I need to do what I can when I can. I never know when my pain levels or fatigue will be higher, so I can't put things off. I also can't get too upset when my plans have to change. There will be time for chores and baking on another day. Today I'm going to sit at the dining room table, listening to music, and resting.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Back to bed
I've been trying to get up the strength to do a proper update, but it just isn't happening. My body is on full revolt. In addition to my typical MS symptoms, I'm having a hard time keeping food/drinks down, my entire left side hurts, and I'm so tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open. I spent the last two days sleeping in bed and I can already tell that today will be another one of those days. I makes me want to scream! I can't wait for this cycle to break.
Friday, June 12, 2009
I'm tired
I've been trying to get a nap in the past few days to try to tackle this fatigue, but it isn't working. Even though I'm now sleeping through the night and taking a nap during the day, I'm just as tired as always. It sucks. Right now all I want to do is sleep until Sunday, but I have plans tonight and stuff to do tomorrow. But the frustrating thing is that even if I did sleep until Sunday, I would still wake up exhausted and ready to go back to sleep. So, I get to make a choice, cancel tonight's plans, sleep, and still be tired or go out, have fun with friends, and still be tired. Obviously, I'm going out.
I just had to come here and complain for a moment. I'm trying so hard to be good and rest up, but it isn't working. I really thought I'd reach a point where I would start to feel better, but it feels like my wheels are spinning. I keep thinking, "It's only fatigue, why can't I push through this?" Gaaaaahhhh!!! I'm so frustrated.
Today has also been a day of numbness and tingling. Per usual, my feet are numb and I have pins and needles running up both legs, which is made worse by moving my legs. This could be walking, sitting down, or even adjusting my position while in bed. It sucks. Thankfully it's not leg pain, but when coupled with the fatigue it's making me feel incredibly run down. And by the way, I still can't see out of my right eye and my stomach has not healed. Today is pretty shitty. Thank you for letting me whine.
I just had to come here and complain for a moment. I'm trying so hard to be good and rest up, but it isn't working. I really thought I'd reach a point where I would start to feel better, but it feels like my wheels are spinning. I keep thinking, "It's only fatigue, why can't I push through this?" Gaaaaahhhh!!! I'm so frustrated.
Today has also been a day of numbness and tingling. Per usual, my feet are numb and I have pins and needles running up both legs, which is made worse by moving my legs. This could be walking, sitting down, or even adjusting my position while in bed. It sucks. Thankfully it's not leg pain, but when coupled with the fatigue it's making me feel incredibly run down. And by the way, I still can't see out of my right eye and my stomach has not healed. Today is pretty shitty. Thank you for letting me whine.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Long overdue, but I'm back
It’s been a long time since I’ve written here. I’m sorry for that, it’s just that life has gotten hectic for me. Between being ill, exhausted, anxious, and trying to re-focus on wedding planning, I didn’t have the energy to write a proper entry. But now things are starting to level out and I hope that I'll be able to write more regularly again.
Health – I’m feeling a lot better, but I’m still extremely tired. I’m pretty sure I had a flare-up last week, which started on Tuesday evening with burning pain in my legs, pain behind both eyes, and dizziness. That continued into Wednesday, and by Wednesday evening my legs were burning so badly that all I could do was cry. My eyes also went blurry and by the end of the evening, I couldn’t make out my own fingers in front of my face. It was scary, but temporary. I got a last minute appointment with Dr. Friedberg last Friday and he confirmed that everything I was experiencing was MS-related. He told me to try to take the gabapentin more often to reduce the pain and REST. I’m still having a problem resting. I’m always so tired that I start to mistake it with laziness and end up pushing myself to keep going when I should try to take a nap. ::sigh:: One day I will learn to rest.
Medicine - Another good thing about seeing Dr. F was that we decided on my next injection therapy. Although I wanted to stay away from the interferons because they all list depression as a side effect, he strongly urged me to try Betaseron. We looked at the research and side effects and I finally agreed. He reassured me that if it doesn’t agree with me, I can change. So, I signed the paperwork and he sent off the information. I can say that the Betaplus people are incredibly fast because my start up kit and first month of injections arrived yesterday. I also spoke with my Betanurse today and she’s set to do the injection training on Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately, they don’t do the free first month, but the rep automatically entered me in their financial assistance program, so I’ll pay $50 a month. I think I can manage that.
Money – I’ve been incredibly money stressed over the past month. Because of the disability check timing, I made it through the whole month on only 3-days worth of payments. You can probably imagine what’s been going through my head with rent coming up and no check every time the mail comes. Luckily, one arrived today and we went directly to the bank. Phew, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
Friends – I am happy to report that I’ve been seeing friends more often lately. Yay! It has really helped my mood and has meant more days in street clothes. Thanks to my friends I learned to crochet hats, visited a corset shop in the city, and reconnected with an old friend. I’m looking forward to more of this. Next time I need to spread it out some so that there is more time to rest between visits.
Fatigue – I’m so tired folks. More tired that I could ever imagine. And it just hits me without warning. I’ll wake up feeling well, get dressed and ready to go, then suddenly I feel like I just took a double dose of sleeping pills. Or, I wake up and I’m too tired to get dressed. I never realized how much energy it takes to shower, do my hair, or even brush my teeth. I’m at the point where it takes me like 2 hours to get dressed because I have to sit down the whole time. It makes me sad. Oh, and despite being completely exhausted, I still have insomnia.
Housing – I like the new apartment. It’s small enough for me to clean, there’s room for a garden, there’s a fitness center so I can stay in shape, and there are pools (even though I haven’t been in them). I don’t like that they are remodeling the apartment directly above us. I hate that they didn’t tell us that it was going to happen. I was so angry when I realized what was going on. From 8-5 everyday, there are random periods of loud construction noise. Usually, this noise starts up at 8, stops for a few hours, and then goes from 1-5 (when I try to lay back down to nap). This means no daytime napping. ::sigh::
Wedding – Last weekend we met with the florist at our venue. The appointment went well and she sounds like she’s right on track with what we want. We’ve started getting response cards and gifts already, so the weight of the upcoming event is starting to weigh on us. We have less than two months left and time is moving extremely quickly. I hoping to start working on the favors/place cards soon. Today we took Nilaja’s dress in for alterations and we’ll pick it up in a few weeks. My dress doesn’t actually need any alterations, but we will need to take it in to be bustled. I’m really excited!
I'm sure I'm missing something. Please feel free to comment here if you have questions or want more information. I'm not going to post a Free For All Friday post today, but may start that up again next week.
Health – I’m feeling a lot better, but I’m still extremely tired. I’m pretty sure I had a flare-up last week, which started on Tuesday evening with burning pain in my legs, pain behind both eyes, and dizziness. That continued into Wednesday, and by Wednesday evening my legs were burning so badly that all I could do was cry. My eyes also went blurry and by the end of the evening, I couldn’t make out my own fingers in front of my face. It was scary, but temporary. I got a last minute appointment with Dr. Friedberg last Friday and he confirmed that everything I was experiencing was MS-related. He told me to try to take the gabapentin more often to reduce the pain and REST. I’m still having a problem resting. I’m always so tired that I start to mistake it with laziness and end up pushing myself to keep going when I should try to take a nap. ::sigh:: One day I will learn to rest.
Medicine - Another good thing about seeing Dr. F was that we decided on my next injection therapy. Although I wanted to stay away from the interferons because they all list depression as a side effect, he strongly urged me to try Betaseron. We looked at the research and side effects and I finally agreed. He reassured me that if it doesn’t agree with me, I can change. So, I signed the paperwork and he sent off the information. I can say that the Betaplus people are incredibly fast because my start up kit and first month of injections arrived yesterday. I also spoke with my Betanurse today and she’s set to do the injection training on Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately, they don’t do the free first month, but the rep automatically entered me in their financial assistance program, so I’ll pay $50 a month. I think I can manage that.
Money – I’ve been incredibly money stressed over the past month. Because of the disability check timing, I made it through the whole month on only 3-days worth of payments. You can probably imagine what’s been going through my head with rent coming up and no check every time the mail comes. Luckily, one arrived today and we went directly to the bank. Phew, I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
Friends – I am happy to report that I’ve been seeing friends more often lately. Yay! It has really helped my mood and has meant more days in street clothes. Thanks to my friends I learned to crochet hats, visited a corset shop in the city, and reconnected with an old friend. I’m looking forward to more of this. Next time I need to spread it out some so that there is more time to rest between visits.
Fatigue – I’m so tired folks. More tired that I could ever imagine. And it just hits me without warning. I’ll wake up feeling well, get dressed and ready to go, then suddenly I feel like I just took a double dose of sleeping pills. Or, I wake up and I’m too tired to get dressed. I never realized how much energy it takes to shower, do my hair, or even brush my teeth. I’m at the point where it takes me like 2 hours to get dressed because I have to sit down the whole time. It makes me sad. Oh, and despite being completely exhausted, I still have insomnia.
Housing – I like the new apartment. It’s small enough for me to clean, there’s room for a garden, there’s a fitness center so I can stay in shape, and there are pools (even though I haven’t been in them). I don’t like that they are remodeling the apartment directly above us. I hate that they didn’t tell us that it was going to happen. I was so angry when I realized what was going on. From 8-5 everyday, there are random periods of loud construction noise. Usually, this noise starts up at 8, stops for a few hours, and then goes from 1-5 (when I try to lay back down to nap). This means no daytime napping. ::sigh::
Wedding – Last weekend we met with the florist at our venue. The appointment went well and she sounds like she’s right on track with what we want. We’ve started getting response cards and gifts already, so the weight of the upcoming event is starting to weigh on us. We have less than two months left and time is moving extremely quickly. I hoping to start working on the favors/place cards soon. Today we took Nilaja’s dress in for alterations and we’ll pick it up in a few weeks. My dress doesn’t actually need any alterations, but we will need to take it in to be bustled. I’m really excited!
I'm sure I'm missing something. Please feel free to comment here if you have questions or want more information. I'm not going to post a Free For All Friday post today, but may start that up again next week.
Friday, May 8, 2009
So tired.
I'm tired today because I spent most of yesterday walking. I started the day out with 25 minutes on the treadmill and then when I couldn't go back to sleep, decided to leave the house. I got all dressed in my usual costume (black dress, colorful tank top for modesty, black flats, jean jacket, colorful scarf, shoulder bag, and cane) and headed to the bus. I rode all the way over to the top of Solano Ave in Berkeley to have lunch at my favorite Indian restaurant. After lunch, I decided to go to the other end of the of the street to see a movie. I should have taken the bus down, but ended up walking.
Now, I know what you're saying, "Chris, what were you thinking?" Well, I was thinking that if I walked I could pick up some art supplies and then catch the bus the rest of the way. I did get some watercolors, oil pastels, sketching paper, and watercolor paper, and on my way to the bus stop, the bus passed me. I was frustrated. I checked my watch and there wasn't enough to wait for the next one and get to the theater on time. So in my flats, I walked from one end of the street to the other (over 1 mile). Luckily, it was all downhill. But that didn't stop my legs from burning and my brain from rattling.
I made it to see the movie, Sunshine Cleaning, with 3 minutes to spare. After the movie, I took the bus to Nilaja's job and got a ride home with her. I was exhausted and nauseated by the time I got to her. It was awful. But after drinking lots of cool water and resting in the car, I started to feel OK again. Then we got home and I had to walk from the car up to the apartment. Just standing up sent the fire up my legs to my hips. I wanted to scream. That burning is the worst.
Of course I made it up to the apartment and crawled right into bed and took a gabapentin. I was in bed most of the evening except for the few hours I sat at the table being artsy. It was a lot of fun and I even did a watercolor of some pears. I'm not very good, but it was quite relaxing. I still haven't figured out the oil pastels, but hopefully I will soon. I also want to get colored pencils and some other paints to practice using.
Today I'm going to rest. I'm really worn out from yesterday, but I need to get my energy up for grocery shopping tonight. I would love to take a nap, but everytime I fall asleep the phone rings. And I'm a little too tired today for sales calls.
Now, I know what you're saying, "Chris, what were you thinking?" Well, I was thinking that if I walked I could pick up some art supplies and then catch the bus the rest of the way. I did get some watercolors, oil pastels, sketching paper, and watercolor paper, and on my way to the bus stop, the bus passed me. I was frustrated. I checked my watch and there wasn't enough to wait for the next one and get to the theater on time. So in my flats, I walked from one end of the street to the other (over 1 mile). Luckily, it was all downhill. But that didn't stop my legs from burning and my brain from rattling.
I made it to see the movie, Sunshine Cleaning, with 3 minutes to spare. After the movie, I took the bus to Nilaja's job and got a ride home with her. I was exhausted and nauseated by the time I got to her. It was awful. But after drinking lots of cool water and resting in the car, I started to feel OK again. Then we got home and I had to walk from the car up to the apartment. Just standing up sent the fire up my legs to my hips. I wanted to scream. That burning is the worst.
Of course I made it up to the apartment and crawled right into bed and took a gabapentin. I was in bed most of the evening except for the few hours I sat at the table being artsy. It was a lot of fun and I even did a watercolor of some pears. I'm not very good, but it was quite relaxing. I still haven't figured out the oil pastels, but hopefully I will soon. I also want to get colored pencils and some other paints to practice using.
Today I'm going to rest. I'm really worn out from yesterday, but I need to get my energy up for grocery shopping tonight. I would love to take a nap, but everytime I fall asleep the phone rings. And I'm a little too tired today for sales calls.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Today is Not a Good Day
I'd planned to ease my way into symptom talk and not just spring it on people. I hoped that I could tell you about the good things and the "Aha" moments, before dumping all the depressing things in your lap. But today is not a good day and I can't pass up this opportunity to document how hard this disease can be.
It started last night around 9:30 pm. I was sitting on the couch watching American Idol when I felt a sharp pain in my left hand. It was so shocking that I audibly gasped and immediately felt a dull ache in my right jaw. I didn't have any other pain or fatigue just my hand and jaw, but I still panicked. I couldn't help it. Whenever these sudden pains start, they are just a warning of more to come. And there's nothing I can do about it. I starting to think this is why depression is such a major symptom of MS. You have a good day and then suddenly you are attacked by pain and fatigue, and if you're lucky it will only last a few hours or be cured by resting and cooling off. But I've already learned that once the pain hits it may not go away for days.
Which is where I am now, my left hand hurts so much I want to cut it off and my jaw pain is radiating into my head and making me nauseated. I'm tired and have chills. The usual neurological weirdness (leg pain, dizziness, brain rattling, vibration, numbness, and tingling) is on high. I should have stayed in bed today. But I didn't. I'm at work sitting at my desk. Accepting the pain and fatigue and making myself rest is my biggest hurdle. I keep telling myself that I need to go to work or I need to clean the house and I'll sleep on the weekend. However, once the weekend arrives, there's something else that I need to do or see or fix or watch. I never rest. It makes me feel lazy, though I expect that's common among people who spent their childhood trying to prove their worth. (That's a huge topic that I'll leave for the future.) So, I just push through it and I pay big time.
Thinking back on what I now know were flare-ups, they always occurred after times when I pushed myself. I would work so hard and wake up the next morning and not be able to dress myself. This is the lesson I need to learn. I can honestly and clearly acknowledge that I don't want to be paralyzed or permanently disabled in anyway, which means I need to stop suppressing my need for rest. I need to commit to it and allow myself to heal. I will do it. That is my promise to myself.
********
Oh wow, I just had an AHA moment. I was thinking about all my problems over the years and started thinking about my sudden and mysterious left eye vision loss. And I remembered the circumstances surrounding that event. It was a sudden loss, but I was also deeply involved in a major, life-changing project and at the same time, I needed to change my residence. I'd just move all of my things into my new place when it happened.
I need to rest.
It started last night around 9:30 pm. I was sitting on the couch watching American Idol when I felt a sharp pain in my left hand. It was so shocking that I audibly gasped and immediately felt a dull ache in my right jaw. I didn't have any other pain or fatigue just my hand and jaw, but I still panicked. I couldn't help it. Whenever these sudden pains start, they are just a warning of more to come. And there's nothing I can do about it. I starting to think this is why depression is such a major symptom of MS. You have a good day and then suddenly you are attacked by pain and fatigue, and if you're lucky it will only last a few hours or be cured by resting and cooling off. But I've already learned that once the pain hits it may not go away for days.
Which is where I am now, my left hand hurts so much I want to cut it off and my jaw pain is radiating into my head and making me nauseated. I'm tired and have chills. The usual neurological weirdness (leg pain, dizziness, brain rattling, vibration, numbness, and tingling) is on high. I should have stayed in bed today. But I didn't. I'm at work sitting at my desk. Accepting the pain and fatigue and making myself rest is my biggest hurdle. I keep telling myself that I need to go to work or I need to clean the house and I'll sleep on the weekend. However, once the weekend arrives, there's something else that I need to do or see or fix or watch. I never rest. It makes me feel lazy, though I expect that's common among people who spent their childhood trying to prove their worth. (That's a huge topic that I'll leave for the future.) So, I just push through it and I pay big time.
Thinking back on what I now know were flare-ups, they always occurred after times when I pushed myself. I would work so hard and wake up the next morning and not be able to dress myself. This is the lesson I need to learn. I can honestly and clearly acknowledge that I don't want to be paralyzed or permanently disabled in anyway, which means I need to stop suppressing my need for rest. I need to commit to it and allow myself to heal. I will do it. That is my promise to myself.
********
Oh wow, I just had an AHA moment. I was thinking about all my problems over the years and started thinking about my sudden and mysterious left eye vision loss. And I remembered the circumstances surrounding that event. It was a sudden loss, but I was also deeply involved in a major, life-changing project and at the same time, I needed to change my residence. I'd just move all of my things into my new place when it happened.
I need to rest.
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