Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Please excuse me

I keep wanting to update the blog, but there's so much on my mind. I'm not recovering from this last relapse as quickly as I'd hoped and I'm going on 7+ weeks with this headache. Even though I'm back on some of my meds, I'm having a lot of pain, spasticity, insomnia, and fatigue which is keeping me glued to the bed during the day. But I'm trying to stay active and get stronger. I was actually just in bed thinking that I'm ready to try to venture out on my own. I figured I'd head down to Solano Ave for lunch and a movie and then I froze, I couldn't remember which bus to take. That may seem insignificant, but I've taken that trip at least 50 times and shouldn't have a problem remembering how to get to one of my favorite places. It scares me to realize that even recent things are dropping from my memory. It's one thing to go through facebook and no longer recognize half the people on my friends list since I haven't seen or talked to them in years, but I'm starting to lose recent events. I'm not handling this well. I keep trying to be strong and give myself a chance to recover, but I'm so over this whole MS thing. I used to feel smart, articulate, poised, and driven, now my whole day is focused on trying not to pee myself, not hurting myself if/when I fall, not forgetting something important (like the stove is on). It sucks. I really wish I could just get to a point where I can mostly function.

In addition to my own drama, I recently received some bad news regarding my mother that has me pretty depressed and withdrawn. I don't know if she would mind me disclosing the exact information, so I will leave that off for now. But it has my siblings and me very worried and stressed. There's some talk of me going to my hometown for a visit to help with recovery which I will certainly do, but it's causing a little anxiety. I haven't flown since getting my diagnosis and I'm worried about dealing with the injectable kits, my cane/crutches, and going through the process alone. I'll make it through, I'm just adding more stress to a whole lot of worry and pain, which is why I wanted to go hide on Solano. If I do get the nerve up to go out anyway, maybe I'll write the number on my hand so I can get there and back without issues.

I think the sleeping pills are kicking in now. Everything's a little fuzzy.

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