Grateful.

I'm having a really bad day, but I don't want to talk about it. It's so easy to get bogged down with how bad things are and completely ignore the good things in my life. So, I decided to make a list of 10 good things in my life and all the ways I am grateful.

1. My wife. I feel happy/lucky/blessed to have someone who supports me through everything. Things have been rough over the past few weeks and she always steps up in more ways than I could ask. I especially appreciate all the shopping she does as I still don't have the stamina for a trip to the grocery store.

2. My mother's condition is treatable and follow up appointments yielded lots of favorable results. Once again, I don't have consent to disclose her condition, but I can say that my whole family is breathing a sigh of relief. The issue isn't resolved, but we have more answers and she has an excellent prognosis.

3. My sister. I talk to my sister a few times a week and it's a necessary mood booster. We also have very similar beliefs and morals, so if something is bothering one of us, it's easy to rant and release frustration.

4. My friends, especially Sophia, Susan, and Jamie. I think I've mentioned before that it's hard for me to ask for help and I like to do things for myself. Unfortunately, no matter how much I want to be the self-sufficient control freak, I am now facing challenges that require assistance and I'm grateful to have people around me that can help me when I need it. I appreciate all the help and support whether it was providing rides, company, information, reassurance, or advice.

5. My cane/crutches. Most of my problems lately have involved mobility and I'm grateful that I have my cane and crutches. Without them, I wouldn't be able to get around the apartment.

6. Betaseron co-pay assistance program. I'm back on the injections (boo!), but recently received confirmation that I have a $0 co-pay each month. Previously, I paid $50/month, so this is incredible.

7. Decaf coffee, peppermint tea, and baked potatoes. All three have made me exceedingly happy today.

8. Sleeping aids and techniques. Never underestimate the power of a full night of sleep.

9. Critical reading material. I mostly read online articles and love anything that challenges racist, sexist, ableist, sizest, homophobic, transphobic, and xenophobic aspects of society. I especially love having Facebook friends that link me to articles that keep my mind alive (though, I wouldn't mind not having things to read).

10. Health Insurance. I'm not sure what my life would be like if we didn't have health coverage. The coverage isn't perfect and I still pay a rather healthy amount out of pocket, but it's a huge relief to be able to go for care when I need it and not worry about footing the whole bill. We were uninsured growing up, so I know how detrimental the fear of medical bills can be on any family. I can't imagine going through all this without coverage.

Please excuse me

I keep wanting to update the blog, but there's so much on my mind. I'm not recovering from this last relapse as quickly as I'd hoped and I'm going on 7+ weeks with this headache. Even though I'm back on some of my meds, I'm having a lot of pain, spasticity, insomnia, and fatigue which is keeping me glued to the bed during the day. But I'm trying to stay active and get stronger. I was actually just in bed thinking that I'm ready to try to venture out on my own. I figured I'd head down to Solano Ave for lunch and a movie and then I froze, I couldn't remember which bus to take. That may seem insignificant, but I've taken that trip at least 50 times and shouldn't have a problem remembering how to get to one of my favorite places. It scares me to realize that even recent things are dropping from my memory. It's one thing to go through facebook and no longer recognize half the people on my friends list since I haven't seen or talked to them in years, but I'm starting to lose recent events. I'm not handling this well. I keep trying to be strong and give myself a chance to recover, but I'm so over this whole MS thing. I used to feel smart, articulate, poised, and driven, now my whole day is focused on trying not to pee myself, not hurting myself if/when I fall, not forgetting something important (like the stove is on). It sucks. I really wish I could just get to a point where I can mostly function.

In addition to my own drama, I recently received some bad news regarding my mother that has me pretty depressed and withdrawn. I don't know if she would mind me disclosing the exact information, so I will leave that off for now. But it has my siblings and me very worried and stressed. There's some talk of me going to my hometown for a visit to help with recovery which I will certainly do, but it's causing a little anxiety. I haven't flown since getting my diagnosis and I'm worried about dealing with the injectable kits, my cane/crutches, and going through the process alone. I'll make it through, I'm just adding more stress to a whole lot of worry and pain, which is why I wanted to go hide on Solano. If I do get the nerve up to go out anyway, maybe I'll write the number on my hand so I can get there and back without issues.

I think the sleeping pills are kicking in now. Everything's a little fuzzy.

Mom

I just talked to my mom for 87 minutes and 42 seconds. That may have been the longest phone conversation we've ever had and I'm completely exhausted now. Not because she is exhausting, but because it takes more energy to sit still holding a phone than I thought. Oh, and I also have to talk so that she understands me. I guess I started talking gibberish and she knew that I needed to sleep. It was good talking to her though. We haven't really talked since I told her about my diagnosis and she had no idea that things had gotten so bad. She really listened and asked good questions.

We even laughed a bit and she shared her recipe for red beans with me, though she was a little frustrated that she had to repeat it several times in order for me to get it written down. That was a low point of the conversation for us, I think. She doesn't see me and we don't talk often, so trying to explain the fairly simple recipe to me and realizing I just wasn't getting it made all the stories so real. I could hear it in her voice when it hit her, but she slowed down and I got it all. It was all downhill from there. I'm having a hard time speaking my thoughts and forming sentences orally.

Actually, I've been having a hard time writing anything lately. Would you believe I've been working on this entry for 35 minutes? It's true. And sad.